This past week I had  a bout of depression. It started off with being incredibly tired, despite the amount of sleep I got. I’m not sure what brought it on. Perhaps the stress of traveling and planning. But none-the-less it came. I was rather unprepared, not having had to dealt with such feelings over a long duration since long in the past. Since I’d become more committed to Christ, depression became a much more rare thing, and was generally proceeded by an identifiable cause rather than coming and going like an itch.

Dealing with this was particularly hard as it was something I thought I had the victory over, and yet here it was again. Further the implications seemed troubling. It’s one thing to deal with external trials. You can choose whether or not to let it affect you. But when the trial is internal, how can one defend against that? If you go through a day where your decisions and actions seem beyond your own control, what then?

Last night I was struggling with this at the end of the day, and prayed for the removal of this mood. Even then it seemed hopeless, as nothing seemed to change with my prayers or desire to believe them. The following morning it still lingered, and it would seem things would be made worse. Some of the same thoughts my depression brought before me, regarding how I’ve used my time here, were brought before me in class as we looked over our peer reviews. Strangely this outside corroboration of what had helped to fuel my depression did not make things worse, but marked the end of my mood.

I cannot but see this as an answer to prayer. How could confirmation of self doubt change my mood? Perhaps if it caused me to rebel against what was said once it was no longer me saying it. But that was not the case. Instead the mood just lifted. And it lifted after an evening of prayer and pleading, and at the time when the change would be most unlikely and thus the most noticeable.


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February 2009
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